Jake's+Writing+Page

﻿ Hi, This is Jake Carr. I Will Post Hilarious and Interesting Stuff On Here, Be Sure To Check Back Soon.

A girl has just gotten a new sports car. She cuts out in front of a semi, and almost causes it to drive over a cliff. The driver furiously motions for her to pull over, and she does. The driver gets out and draws a circle and tells her to stand in it. Then he gets out his knife and cuts up her leather seats. He turns around and sees she's smiling. So he goes to his truck, takes out a baseball bat, and starts busting her windows and beating her car. He looks back to see that she's laughing. He's really mad now, so he takes his knife and slices her tires. He turns around and she's laughing so hard, she's about to fall down. He demands, "What's so funny?" She says, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle!"

A girl had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived. "My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?" "Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the gir lchirped. "Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car. "Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the girl began. I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I served to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ...." "Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth."

 A guy decides to bring his new girlfriend to a football game. After the game is over, he asks her if she liked the game. She replies: "Oh it was great, I loved watching it, but there is one thing I don't understand." "What did you not understand ?" And the she says: "Well, at the beginning of the game, both teams flipped a quarter to see who would kick off first. Then the rest of the game everybody was yelling get the quarter back, get the quarter back, get the quarter back. So I thought to myself, gosh it's just a quarter!"

Im not shallow.. you’re just ugly!

There are no stupid questions, just stupid people

Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss."

<span style="background-color: #ffff00; color: #008080; font-family: 'Comic Sans MS',cursive; font-size: 150%;">Everyone has photographic memory; some just don't have the film.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing

<span style="background-color: #800000; color: #00ff00; font-family: 'Comic Sans MS',cursive; font-size: large; line-height: normal;">Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.

<span style="background-color: #00ff00; color: #0000ff; font-family: 'Comic Sans MS',cursive; font-size: 120%;">This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.

<span style="background-color: #00ff00; color: #0000ff; font-family: 'Comic Sans MS',cursive; font-size: 120%;">He immediately phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and George said no and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.

<span style="background-color: #00ff00; color: #0000ff; font-family: 'Comic Sans MS',cursive; font-size: 120%;">George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

<span style="background-color: #00ff00; color: #0000ff; font-family: 'Comic Sans MS',cursive; font-size: 120%;">"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them all."

<span style="background-color: #00ff00; color: #0000ff; font-family: 'Comic Sans MS',cursive; font-size: 120%;">Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

<span style="background-color: #00ff00; color: #0000ff; font-family: 'Comic Sans MS',cursive; font-size: 120%;">One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

<span style="background-color: #00ff00; color: #0000ff; font-family: 'Comic Sans MS',cursive; font-size: 120%;">George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

<span style="background-color: #ffff00; color: #c0c0c0; font-family: 'Comic Sans MS',cursive; font-size: 140%;">Someone saw a dumb girl eating a Tootsie Roll Pop and asked her, "So, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll - Tootsie Pop?"

<span style="background-color: #ffff00; color: #c0c0c0; font-family: 'Comic Sans MS',cursive; font-size: 140%;">Without a thought, the dumb girl replied, "Beats me, but it took almost the whole day just to lick through the wrapper."

<span style="background-color: #ff0000; color: #000000; font-family: 'Comic Sans MS',cursive; font-size: 120%;">There was a girl that lived in a small house on the corner of 4th Avenue.

<span style="background-color: #ff0000; color: #000000; font-family: 'Comic Sans MS',cursive; font-size: 120%;">She had a small shed in her backyard where she kept gardening tools. One day, she thought she saw smoke coming out of the roof of the shed.

<span style="background-color: #ff0000; color: #000000; font-family: 'Comic Sans MS',cursive; font-size: 120%;">In a panic she called 911. They answered and said "This is Joe, is there an emergency?"

<span style="background-color: #ff0000; color: #000000; font-family: 'Comic Sans MS',cursive; font-size: 120%;">The Girl replied "Yes my shed is on fire!!!" Joe said, "Don't panic help in on the way...where do you live?"

<span style="background-color: #ff0000; color: #000000; font-family: 'Comic Sans MS',cursive; font-size: 120%;">The Girl said, "IN A HOUSE, NOW HURRY!!"

<span style="background-color: #ff0000; color: #000000; font-family: 'Comic Sans MS',cursive; font-size: 120%;">Joe calmly responded back, "How are we supposed to get there?"

<span style="background-color: #ff0000; color: #000000; font-family: 'Comic Sans MS',cursive; font-size: 120%;">The Girl answered back, "DUH!!! A BIG RED TRUCK!"

<span style="background-color: #0000ff; color: #ffff00; font-family: 'Comic Sans MS',cursive; font-size: 130%;">Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep.

<span style="background-color: #0000ff; color: #ffff00; font-family: 'Comic Sans MS',cursive; font-size: 130%;">Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: “Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see.”

<span style="background-color: #0000ff; color: #ffff00; font-family: 'Comic Sans MS',cursive; font-size: 130%;">Watson replied: “I see millions and millions of stars.”

<span style="background-color: #0000ff; color: #ffff00; font-family: 'Comic Sans MS',cursive; font-size: 130%;">Holmes said: “and what do you deduce from that?”

<span style="background-color: #0000ff; color: #ffff00; font-family: 'Comic Sans MS',cursive; font-size: 130%;">Watson replied: “Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like earth out there. And if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life.”

<span style="background-color: #0000ff; color: #ffff00; font-family: 'Comic Sans MS',cursive; font-size: 130%;">And Holmes said: “Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent.

<span style="background-color: #00ffff; color: #ffff00; font-family: 'Arial Black',Gadget,sans-serif; font-size: 150%;">It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it

<span style="background-color: #00ffff; color: #008080; font-family: Impact,Charcoal,sans-serif; font-size: 160%;">It's not easy to argue with yourself. YES IT IS! No its not! SHUT UP! No!!! I'm Done> NOW MY TURN! When life gives you lemons make lemonade. WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE LEMONADE!!? I WANTED A COOKIE!!

<span style="background-color: #ffff00; color: #808080; font-family: 'Comic Sans MS',cursive; font-size: 130%;">I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.”

<span style="background-color: #00ff00; color: #ff00ff; font-family: 'Lucida Console',Monaco,monospace; font-size: 130%;">A girl went to buy a Pizza and after ordering, the assistant asked the girl if she would like her pizza cut into six pieces or twelve. <span style="background-color: #00ff00; color: #ff00ff; font-family: 'Lucida Console',Monaco,monospace; font-size: 130%;">"Six please" she said, "I could never eat twelve!"

<span style="background-color: #00ff00; font-family: 'Comic Sans MS',cursive; font-size: 130%;">Sally goes to work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned his employee, walks over to her and asks sympathetically, "What's the matter?" The girl replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call that my mother had passed away." <span style="background-color: #00ff00; font-family: 'Comic Sans MS',cursive; font-size: 130%;">The boss, feeling very sorry at this point suggests to the young girl, "Why don't you go home for the day...we aren't terribly busy. Just take <span style="background-color: #00ff00; font-family: 'Comic Sans MS',cursive; font-size: 130%;">the day off and go relax." <span style="background-color: #00ff00; font-family: 'Comic Sans MS',cursive; font-size: 130%;">Sally very calmly states, "No I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind busy and I have the best chance of doing that here." <span style="background-color: #00ff00; font-family: 'Comic Sans MS',cursive; font-size: 130%;">The boss agrees and allows her to work as usual. "If you need anything just let me know" says the boss. <span style="background-color: #00ff00; font-family: 'Comic Sans MS',cursive; font-size: 130%;">A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on Sally. He looks out his office and sees her crying hysterically. <span style="background-color: #00ff00; font-family: 'Comic Sans MS',cursive; font-size: 130%;">He rushes over an asks, "What's the matter now? Are you going to be ok?" <span style="background-color: #00ff00; font-family: 'Comic Sans MS',cursive; font-size: 130%;">Sally breaks down in tears. "I just received a horrible call from my sister. She said that her mom died too!!"

<span style="background-color: #ff00ff; color: #ffff00; font-family: 'Arial Black',Gadget,sans-serif; font-size: 120%;">One day a girl walked into the doctors office with 2 red ears. <span style="background-color: #ff00ff; color: #ffff00; font-family: 'Arial Black',Gadget,sans-serif; font-size: 120%;">The doctor asked what happened. She said "I was ironing and the <span style="background-color: #ff00ff; color: #ffff00; font-family: 'Arial Black',Gadget,sans-serif; font-size: 120%;">phone rang and I picked up the iron by mistake. "What happened <span style="background-color: #ff00ff; color: #ffff00; font-family: 'Arial Black',Gadget,sans-serif; font-size: 120%;">to the other ear?" the doctor asked. "They called back."

<span style="background-color: #000000; color: #ffffff; font-family: 'Comic Sans MS',cursive; font-size: 140%;">Here are some optical illusions!

<span style="background-color: #00ff00; color: #0000ff; font-family: 'Arial Black',Gadget,sans-serif; font-size: 120%;"> Stare at the black dot and watch the grey disappear.

<span style="background-color: #00ff00; color: #0000ff; font-family: 'Arial Black',Gadget,sans-serif; font-size: 120%;"> Can you see it?